I am almost 25 and what have I accomplished

I know my story is unique and I am proud of myself, but at the same time, at times, I hate myself.

Rant about why I am unhappy with myself

I wonder why I don't have some great career, making lots of money and not having to worry about my future. I wonder why I am still shy and unable to talk to people. I wonder why am I still a coward and am living everyday in fear, not taking the risk to do the things that I want to do. I wonder why am I lazy to do what I know needs to be done. I wonder why I am not the person I want to be in the fullest and I have great guilt and regret about it. I hate myself because of it.

But I know this is a normal feeling. I accept it logically.

But is this acceptance a good or bad thing? Maybe it's just another excuse to be a lazy slob.

I don't know, to be honest.

I don't know what I am doing most days or what I am aiming for. I have very clear principles, and at times I am so proud of myself for who I am at heart and for what I do and for what I love, but I am not that person always.

There is a lot of time that I spend doing things that I know is horrible for me.

Bad thinking. Bad food. Bad sleep. Bad drinking. Bad habits. Bad phone addiction. Bad social habits. Bad hygiene habits. Bad cleanliness habits. Bad responsibility habits.

In general, bad behavior.

Writing this won't accomplish anything either. The only thing that will do anything is the actual work.

But why do I feel tired all the time? Why do I feel depressed and hopeless at times? Why do I not do the work?

It's a simple thing, do the work, then be happy.

But I don't do the work, therefore I am unhappy.

Hmmmm, seems obvious and dumb to me.

Anyways, let's recenter and think, what is the next step?

Let's list out what to keep doing, what to start doing, and what to stop doing.

1. Keep attending events - network, socialize, build skills, be happy.
2. Keep modeling.
3. Keep writing and shooting podcasts.
4. Keep going on dates.
5. Start training more intensely.
6. Start sleeping more.
7. Start eating better.
8. Stop using my phone so much.
9. Stop consuming so much meaningless content.
10. Stop being clingy to other people for happiness.
11. Stop avoid responsibility and reply to people promptly.

I didn't write them all out, I got sick of it.

Honestly, life is complicated and there are too many moving parts. It's nearly impossible for the mind to handle it all. It's all disorganized and to try to organize it all is an unaccomplishable task.

I just need to keep doing what I am doing, do it better and do it more conscientiously, and I believe in the end it will all work out. I am not at the top of the hierarchy but neither am I at the bottom. I am not the best version of myself yet but neither am I worst. You are making progress, you are doing well, and that is what is great.

What I have accomplished

• Studied at 5 universities, 2 in the US, 1 in Thailand, 2 in Taiwan
• National competitor in USA youth climbing
• Personal Trainer at the age of 19
• Paid for all of my studies through multiple scholarships
• Was a writer for an online NGO
• Can speak Chinese fluently
• Have started my own YouTube channel
• Created my own website
• Started a podcast
• Am a model
• Acted in a film
• Done catwalks
• Done commercials and catalogs
• Traveled to China, Japan, Thailand, Taiwan, Vietnam
• Writes everyday
• Have good connections to content creators and successful people in Taiwan
• Learned how to edit and make good videos
• More social-able
• Dress better
• Can rock climb, muay thai, gymnastics, calisthenics, weight lifting, free diving, yoga, dancing
• Self-improvement mindset - listen to podcasts everyday
• Emotional maturity
• Stoic mindset
• Actively working on improving myself
• Won a modeling competition

TLDR

Hating myself for my bad habits and lack of significant progress - concluding with pride about what I have accomplished and hope for the future.